Sunday, September 8, 2013

For me

OK, I know I haven't blogged in a while. Nobody will probably read this anyway but this is for me to get this off my chest since I wouldn't speak up in Relief Society.  It must be a blue moon or something so don't expect me to blog again for another year or 2.. ;) We had an interesting lesson in Relief Society today on Abuse. I know that this lesson was more for the Young Women in are ward probably more Sexual abuse. The abuse I am going to write about is Verbal Abuse.

My mom wore the pants in the family. What she said was the way it was gonna be. My mom was the one that disciplined me and my sister. She also was not very loving and said very hurtful things. I did not realize how much this hurt me until I got older and had kids of my own. I was told that I was fat and needed to go on a diet on a daily basis. Which was not true. My mom was the one who "wanted to diet" but didn't want to do it by herself. My dad was over weight and did not want to do it with her. So I think in her mind she thought well i will my already insecure daughter that she needs to lose weight. I remember one diet was drinking lemon water...??? I know, right. I also remember sneaking Oreo cookies on a daily basis. I did not need to diet but i did not want to stick up for myself in fear of getting beat with the belt. I am A LOT like mother. Which is scary because I hope I am not making my kids feel insecure. Their is a difference in being shy and insecure. My mom would always tell people that I was shy. When actually I had a fear of saying the wrong thing and she would hit or make fun of me. I am very sensitive to my children when they are scared to get up in church or class to read something or sing. I hope I am encouraging them and not making them feel worse. I have never hit my kids with a belt so that makes feel like I am not exactly like my mom. I have spanked them when they needed it. I have a problem pointing my finger at them while yelling at them. That is my mother..YIKES. Saying this stuff out loud is scary. I better not say to much more!

I remember my mom coming in to wake me up because the Tornado sirens were going off. But at the time  I really wasn't awake to understand what she was saying. So I went to the bathroom and then went back to bed. Next thing I know my mom comes in yelling why are you in your bed the sirens are going off get in the hallway and then a big slap in my face sure got me going. It sickens me that I have memories but not good memories. We had no traditions growing up. It is so hard being around people/friends who have these amazing relationships with their mothers and fun traditions. I have no idea where to start with starting a tradition because I don't have someone to follow. So maybe this explains a lot about me to those of that know me. You now know why I am the way that I am. I hope to over come my controlling issues and hope that I have not said anything hurtful or made someone feel insecure. I really try not to be around those that make me feel this way it just brings me down and reminds me of my childhood. I didn't have a bad childhood but if I could do it all over again I SO would. Now you know why I don't talk a lot of my childhood it consisted of groundings, beatings, and running away. I was a freshman in high school and I went to school with shorts on and my legs had bruises all over them and a friend asked me what happened I said oh me and my sister were horsing around and I fell off the bed. Apparently she did not by that. Next thing I was called into the guidance counselors office. YIKES that was scary. and to think that they were gonna call my parents. I was scared to death!! It happened to be right before Christmas break she didn't want to call over the holiday season. Which was good and bad all at the same time. I am not sure how long the break was but the day we went back to school and when I got home after mom got the call. OH MY GOODNESS!!! I was gonna pay dearly for this one. The only thing I remember is sitting at the dinner table and my dad asked how was your day? My mom says well I got call from the school and they told me I was a Child abuser!! My dad went crazy. After that incident there were hardly any beatings it was more verbally. There is no way I could have said all this in Relief Society without bawling and feeling insecure and people staring at me wouldn't of helped either..HA!! I just had to ge this off my chest and recognize it so I don't do it to my children. I will be praying more often for moments that I can help boost my kids self confidence as well as my own.

4 comments:

  1. Funny that I just happen to have a few spare minutes today to check blogs! You are both brave, and inspirational for opening up about such a sensitive, hurtful time in your life. Isn't it crazy that we can be grown mothers, with our own lives and families, and feel like we are right back in that vulnerable child-like state when we remember those memories? I had a hard time sitting through that lesson yesterday. In fact, I tried to keep myself preoccupied with the cute baby sitting next to me! Like you, I knew if I tried to speak about my own experience, or even let myself start thinking about it too much, the tears would come. Please don't ever feel alone. And PLEASE don't ever feel like you are, in any way, the same type of mother that you had. I can see in your children every time I am around them, the kind of mother you are. You should be proud of yourself for breaking the cycle, and proud of yourself for the beautiful, sweet, loving, and confidant mother you've become. I hold you up as an example of the kind of mother I'd like to be!
    ~Carmin

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  2. Thank you for sharing such a tender part of your heart, Roxanne. You are an amazing mother and your children are evidence of that. I think the lesson spoke to so many personal experiences across the board. The Spirit was whispering to me about my own experiences in other ways. I know that the Savior can heal the pain and hurt in our lives, whatever form it may be. None of us are perfect mothers. I wanted to let you know that something you said in passing the other week helped me feel the whispering of the Spirit that I needed to help gather our family for scripture study more frequently. You are an example to me. Love you.

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  3. Hello, Ms. Roxanne - I still look at your blog!! :) (I don't write on my own, but I still stalk all my friends!) We all have scars and messes on the inside, and most of the time we never see them on others, and only see our own. I felt really sad reading your post - it is so sad when innocent children suffer because of their parents who don't know better or can't do better. But it also made me understand you better, and made me appreciate more what a great mom and friend you are - overcoming those trials and scars makes us stronger and better. And thankfully, we don't have to do it alone - we have friends, family and our faith. You are starting a whole new family culture and doing beautifully well, in spite of your doubts and fears! Your children are proof of it! We all just try a little harder to be a little better, right?? Love you, sweet friend!

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  4. Dear Roxanne, It was a difficult lesson for myself too. There were too many memories from my childhood that bubbled to the surface, that I finally had to leave the room. When I first moved into the ward it was your family that stood out to me. I didn't know you, but I so wanted to know the woman that had 6 amazing children. They truly are a reflection of the mother you are, they're kind, loving, so willing to dote on the little ones, whether its their sibling or not. Your sensitivity, empathy and compassion for your children and those around you marks you as a special and beloved daughter of your Heavenly Father. I'm so grateful that our callings brought us together!

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